I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
