like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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