I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
