i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
