we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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