I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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