3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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