That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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