dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
