Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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