I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
