sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Let's paint friendship bongs
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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