he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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