my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
