this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
