I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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