I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
