Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
