The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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