honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
