All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
