FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
