Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
