im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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