Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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