Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
