Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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