Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
