Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
