I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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