How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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