Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
