it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
