dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
