my phone needs a breathalizer
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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