I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
