you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
