You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
