A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
