I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
