He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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