Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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