Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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