She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
True college students do jello shots in the library
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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