my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
