im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
