Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
