I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
