This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
