the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
