I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
